Who did you have a tough conversation with today? Was it with your demanding boss, a dissatisfied customer, or a Team Member who is struggling?
Those are tough conversations, but not with the person I think is the toughest.
You!
I mean the one who is constantly nattering in your head, reminding you that:
…it didn’t go well last time, or
…you are going to say it wrong and make things worse, or
…you should admit failure, you’re not up to the task.
All day, every day, your role as a Leader requires you to guide your Team, remove roadblocks so everything runs smoothly. Sometimes you must deal with people who are angry or grumpy by nature. And you take it all in stride because that is just part of the job.
But then you get roughed up by your own inner critic and what do you do?
You…
- ignore or push away your thoughts; or
- wrestle and argue with your thoughts; or
- distract yourself with social media, busy work, excessive exercise; or
- numb it all with a substance: alcohol, drugs, food, shopping, etc.
Most of these strategies have a negative consequence on your physical and mental wellbeing. You would never talk to your Team Members the way you talk to yourself. If you did you would find yourself in a remediation meeting with HR.
How about a little empathy and compassion for yourself, instead?
Psychologists are offering a third alternative, called ‘decentering’. Rather than avoiding the thoughts or becoming hijacked and angry: notice, name, and explore them with detached curiosity.
The same process that applies to having sage conversations with people can apply to having a conversation with your inner thoughts. By sage conversation, I mean, both people feel heard, understood, and appreciated for their perspective…but not necessarily in agreement.
Decentering is a practice that has you step back and observe your thoughts and feelings. Listen to your thoughts, ask questions about where they come from and if they have anything valuable to offer, then acknowledge the thoughts for what they are…passing thoughts.
When you investigate your thoughts with detached curiosity, they have a way of evaporating, leaving you with the energy to decide what is useful and acting in an effective way.
Sound simple? Maybe, but it is not easy to maintain detached curiosity when your thoughts roam your mental and physical state.
Mindfulness practices are helpful, but it might take more than a ‘mediation app’. What else helps you to tame your inner critic?