Do you work with ‘that guy’ who has you scratching your head?
That guy can do many different things, and to you, they are frustrating and perplexing.
That guy might…
- Talk incessantly about mundane things.
- Ask multiple questions, leaving no space for you to answer.
- Cast a negative tone on everything that anybody says, or the opposite.
- Be cheerful and positive even when the situation is anything but!
This week two leaders explained to me that one of each of their direct reports exhibits behaviour similar to one of the examples above.
I am sure these Leaders were hoping for a definitive answer about what is wrong with their Direct Report and how to “fix” them. But as I said in the ‘Turn Down the Tension in Tough Talks” last week, you can’t fix other people but, by changing your response, you can shift the interaction in a positive direction.
As a Leader you are not in the position to ‘fix’ your Team Members. Pointing out their flaws and telling them how to speak or behave differently is going to backfire. Yet, you can lead them and yourself to self-discovery. And it is important to do so for the benefit of the whole Team.
The ‘roadmap’ I laid out at the online webinar starts with doing an ‘internal systems check’ … the temperature of your mind. What is the tone of your inner conversation? If it is filled with frustration, annoyance, and judgement…STOP! …Anything you say with this mindset will further contaminate the conversation.
You must start with curiosity!
Not the kind where you are asking “what’s wrong with this person” but with a curiosity that is open and authentic. Curiosity to seek something you don’t know. A flaw in their thinking might be revealed, or you might discover a flaw in your thinking and gain an insight about yourself.
With your mind working for you…positive mindset and positive energy, then you flow into a ‘sage conversation”.
- Ask questions you don’t know what the answer is.
- Listen…all the way to the end of their explanation.
- Reflect back to them what you understood and what you still don’t understand.
- Ask more questions to close the gap between their perspective and your understanding.
This is the first half of a sage conversation. Direct your side of the conversation so that the other person feels heard, understood and appreciated for their ideas and perspective.
I am certain of a positive result.
The law of reciprocity will kick in. When someone feels they have been given a gift – they have truly been listened to without judgement – they will be propelled to offer a gift in return – listen to your perspective.