Have you ever been deep into a conversation, feeling defensive and searching for ways to make your point clearer and more forceful?
Judith Glaser, founder of the CreatingWe Institute, calls these Level 2 conversations. You want to convince others or advocate for your position. As a Leader of a Team, you may be trying to influence people to do things your way.
These conversations rarely feel satisfying, nor do they create buy-in. People may nod in agreement because they are responding to your passion. But it is a mistake to count on their quiet acceptance as commitment to your view or direction.
You really have no assurance they agree with you until you ask. And you must ask the right questions with the right (matching) body language and tone of voice.
Consider the following 4 phases to gain mutual understanding:
- Ask open-ended questions. Questions you haven’t already answered in your head. They could start with why, where, when, what or how. NEVER start with “why not…” or “why didn’t you…” as they sound judgmental and threatening to the recipient.
- Ask open-ended questions with genuine curiosity. Your words, tone of voice and body language must be congruent in demonstrating curiosity. To get you in the curios state, vocalize ‘hmm’. You will notice your eyebrows rise, your eyes will widen, lips curl up with anticipation of a pleasant surprise. Try it…hmmm makes you feel curious!
- Listen fully to their answers. Only when they are finished with their thought, do you respond. Even at this point, make no statement, rather…ask more questions. And one more step…
- Apply the ‘Curious-Double-Click’ technique on any word or phrase they have used in their response. The words they use have a specific meaning to them and quite likely those words do not mean the same to you. Ask what they mean by the words they use.
Sounds simple, right?
But it is not always easy because our mind is taking a position on everything being said. We think faster than people can speak. So, we are ahead of them, meaning, we are no longer listening.
The goal is to get to Level 3 conversations. Conversations where there is openness and desire to share, discover and create something new.
I call them Sage Conversations because they leave the other person feeling heard, understood, and appreciated. Asking questions and really listening sparks reciprocity and now you have a true dialogue that builds trust and connection.
If you want your Team to perform and succeed, increase the quantity and quality of your sage conversations and notice how much more motivated and productive your Team becomes.
When you are ready to focus, engage, and get results, contact us to master your mental fitness and communications with your Team Members, Colleagues, and Senior Management.
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